Life is Better Taken out of Context

I could get away with an insanity plea.

2006-10-24T09:59:00.000-07:00

I swear to God if my coworker plays the theme song to Dallas one more time, he's going to have to have that speaker surgically removed from his ass. Tuesdays suck it hard.

Crazy Talk

2006-10-12T08:20:00.000-07:00

I saw a lady talking to a tree today in the park. I immediately thought of the scene in the movie Superstar. Talking to yourself while hanging out in the park is pretty odd, but talking to a tree is a whole other level of crazy. Anyway, I was sure this lady was nuttier than a squirell turd and I figured I would enjoy an earful of crazy today. I was a little disappointed that when I asked her what her and the tree were talking about, all I got was Fuck Off. Maybe I'll go back and try to smooth things over, I mean I do walk through that park everyday and the last thing I need is another tree thinking I'm an asshole.

It only sounds like a personal experience.

2006-10-10T19:13:00.000-07:00

I am one of those people who don't learn the lesson the first time around but I have picked up these little pearls of wisdom... (you especially don't want to do this on Pissy Tuesday)

1. Never own up to breaking office equipment.

2. If the office printer happens to be broken when you show up to work and your boss asks you who broke said printer never respond with "your mom."

3. If the boss then states you are the biggest smart-ass he has ever had to put up with, do not grin widely and respond with an enthusiastic "Thank You, that's the nicest thing you've ever said!"

Stick those little gems in your back pocket. I know this seems like common sense and any idiot would know that these would go over like a fart in church, but when its game time even the best of us can choke. Oh yes, I'm just that smooth.

4. This one is important - If the boss has been calling you by the wrong name and confusing you with other staff members for going on shall we say four months, all previous lessons are void.

2006-10-05T16:21:00.000-07:00

i hate my job.

Not your typical love letter.

2006-10-04T15:48:00.000-07:00

Dear Liquor Store Cashier,

Allow me to be forward, I'm just going to throw it out there and if you like it you can keep it, if not send it right back...I think I love you or at least I could if I knew anything about you. What I do know is that this may very well be the best relationship I'll ever have. I always look forward to seeing you and even though our time together is very brief, you always give me exactly what I want and I always leave completely satisfied as soon as I'm ready to go. Seeing you always makes me happy and I just get happier as the evening progresses. You have the ability to make even the shittiest day seem fine-moderately shitty. I can't quite put my finger on what it is, but I feel I must tell you, I've never had such a fulfilling relationship.

Love Always,
Your Greatest Customer

A throw back to the 3rd grade

2006-10-03T18:32:00.000-07:00

Not that I would do this, but when the office germaphobe publicly insults my intelligence; if I cough on her keyboard would you consider me:

A) Vindictive.
B) Immature.
C) Disgusting.
D) Justified.
E) All of the above. But for the record, this is something you yourself would never do no matter how justified it may be.

Well, I'll come clean, I did do it and I feel much better. Oh stop judging, it's not like I've got SARS.